Male Feelings, the Most Precious Material in the Universe

I read this post, which I have re-titled for clarity’s sake, Dear Feminists: Male-Bashing Hurts Male Feelings. In this post, a man lets feminists know we are doing feminism wrong because it makes dudes feel icky, tells us how to do it right, and gently, as a sweet, supportive femme would, explains why we should do it.

 

I see a lot of people male bashing, like making hostile or sweeping negative generalizations about cis men, here on Tumblr and elsewhere, in “feminist” circles. I don’t think this is okay, I care about all people, including cis males. And I would hope people care about cis males too, but I want to explain why even if you don’t care at all about cis males, bashing them is likely to hurt trans and non-binary people far more than cis males.

Male-bashing is when a person makes hostile or sweeping generalizations about cismales. This male, here, cares deeply about other males, and hopes that feminists care about all males, as well. And, even if they don’t care about cismales, they ought to care about other kinds of males, and therefore, need to tone-down the male-bashing because it hurts male feelings.

In our society, where transphobia, binarism, and strict enforcement of gender roles can still be common, there are a large number of people who do not realize that they are trans or nonbinary until much later in life.  These people live much of their life accepting their assigned birth sex without questioning.  They may struggle intensely with social relationships, depression, and all sorts of other problems, which might be caused in large part by their gender identity and mismatch to the gender roles forced on them, yet they may not realize this because the society around them continually tells them that they’re “just men” or “just women” and “that’s just the way it is”.

AMAB nonbinary/transmales are affected by male socialization. This is due to the fact that, well, they weren’t “aware” of their gender identity until much later in life, and AMAB nonbinary/transmales live as cismales (with all that oozing privilege, probably negated by the fact that they may have struggled intensely with all sorts of problems), never questioning their birth sex, until they realize they are trans and/or non-binary.

When you bash men with hateful comments or negative generalizations, your comments are likely to reach some of these closeted trans and nonbinary people who are in the earliest stages of exploring their gender identity. These people may identify fully as male, and they may feel attacked (and unfairly/wrongly characterized) by your statements.

Because of these males identifying fully as male for most of their lives, even as they are beginning the earliest stages of gender identity exploration, even if they totally feel like a woman, they feel hurt and attacked by male bashing. Moreso than cismales, remember. Because. Reasons. Don’t male bash. It’s unfair to all males.

They may internalize some of the negative statements you make about them, like if you say “men are horrible” or “men are creepy” or things like that. Trans and especially nonbinary people are at higher risk of depression, social exclusion, and other mental illnesses and social problems.  They are especially more likely to internalize insults like being “creepy” because they’re being told indirectly that they are creepy by the transphobic culture around them.  Like, transphobic culture often attacks trans women and transfemme nonbinary people by telling them that they’re not actually women or they’re “actually just men” and their desires and identity is “just a fetish” and is thus “creepy”.  So like, many of these people are already being inundated by the message that they’re men and they’re creepy…so when you have some bad experience with men and then you go launch into this global tirade about how “men are creepy”, you’re mainly going to target and harm trans women.

Males internalize negative statements women make about them. They believe it when women say men are horrible and men are creepy. It makes them feel bad. Especially if they are trans/non-binary, because they have mental health issues already. When you say men are creepy, you’re being transphobic because you are indirectly telling AMAB nonbinary/transmales that they are creepy– because they’re actually men and their desires and identitities are just creepy fetishes. When you call men creepy because you had “some bad experience” with men, you’re mainly TARGETING (can you, um, indirectly target someone? no, no, you can’t.) and harming transmales. Because these males already believe that they are men, and that they are creepy. But don’t you go echoing that.

By attacking these people you may also drive them away from progressive spaces, subcultures, and social groups, that may be the only places where they will be able to get the knowledge and support necessary to explore their gender identity.

By calling men creepy, you are driving them away from the only spaces they can explore their gender identity without feeling afraid of other male’s retaliatory violence, i.e, women’s spaces. Because that’s the only place males can feel safe. Because women, please, women are demure, and loving, and supportive, and hugs and kisses and crying and pillowfights and lipgloss.

So please don’t male bash. Don’t make negative generalizations about men.

So stop hurting males’ feelings by calling us creepy!

If men engage in a specific behavior, then target the behavior. “Ugh, men are so creepy / horrible.” –> “Ugh, it is so creepy / horrible when men do this thing.”

Rather than saying “Ugh, men are so creepy/horrible”, say “Ugh it is so creepy/horrible when men rape, when men murder, when men invade women’s spaces.” It’s better that way. It doesn’t target males. It targets their behavior. Just because a male acts creepy doesn’t actually mean he’s creepy. See?

This allows you to discuss and target the specific behavior or practice as creepy or horrible, but while presenting it in a way that specific people who do not engage in the behavior are unlikely to hear it as an attack and internalize negativity. This protects trans and nonbinary people, and it also has other benefits of being more likely to get through to cis men about stopping harmful behaviors, because they’ll be less likely to feel defensive and more likely to examine their own behavior in a critical yet constructive way.

Target creepy behavior in males, not creepy males. Males who do not engage in that specific creepy behavior won’t feel attacked that way. This protects AMAB nonbinary/transmales from being called/feeling creepy. Also, if you tone it down a little, and tell males that it’s creepy when they wank off to porn and/or rape women, rather than telling them that they themselves are creepy for wanking off to porn and/or raping women, they won’t be so defensive, and might actually examine their own behavior in a critical yet constructive way. IT’S NICE TO BE NICE, FEMINISTS.

Everyone benefits from this sort of change in rhetoric and I want this to become the norm in feminist discourse and social justice discourse.

Men and women both benefit from this change in rhetoric. Like, you women, you benefit because if you’d just shut the fuck up a little, we wouldn’t have to send you death and rape threats/rape and kill you. Women, you need to stop talking about males in a negative way. Particularly, you feminists. You’re making all males feel unsafe in your woman-centric, women-only spaces.

 

It’s only okay to acknowledge the affects of male socialization on transmales when it benefits males by silencing women. It’s not okay when it’s the reason transmales are not allowed in women’s spaces.

Again, here we have a man demanding women not be so damned hostile. Shhh, so angry. People would like you better if you weren’t so bitchy. Here we have a man calling for women to change our behavior in regards to men. Not a bit to the fucking men about how they can, um, be more inclusive of women, and not be so fucking horrible to us. Quite a bit of how men and women both can be more inclusive of “femme” males, though. And that women should be all for it, because in the end, that helps us. Because if men are accepted as women because they are femme, women will experience less sexism and misogyny. Wait, what. Oh, yea. “Femmephobia” is what we should be fighting, not misogyny. Femme males first, women…later.

You know what’s creepy? When a man puts on a dress and some lipstick and high heels, or has the desire to put on a dress and some lipstick and high heels, and then demands to be accepted as a woman because of it. It’s creepy when a man feels “40% feminine”, presents as “femme”, sometimes or always, or labels himself “femme” or “transfeminine” or “genderqueer/fluid” or “agender”, and thinks that gives him the right to women-only spaces. It’s creepy when a man thinks he should be accepted in women’s-spaces because he’s totally comfortable with “she/her” pronouns. It’s creepy when a man thinks he should be included in women’s-spaces, though “parts” of him are “solidly masculine”. It’s creepy when a man thinks his penis is female. It’s creepy when a man thinks his opinion should be centered and treated as gospel by women in the name of inclusivity. It’s creepy when men won’t leave women the fuck alone.